id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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