so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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