Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
