She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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