It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize