Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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