Say something about gay babies.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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