how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize