Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
