i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
