I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
