I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
