if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
