After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
