Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
