3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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