Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I touched a dick in church today
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
