The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
