Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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