I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
