I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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