I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you would pick up someone in the library
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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