Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's shark week go big or go home
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
