I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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