i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
