The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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