she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
