How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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