Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just want to make out with him forever
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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