i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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