i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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