walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
