a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
