Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
