i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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