i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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