Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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