just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I CAN MOONWALK!
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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