Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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