why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
