We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
