I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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