He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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