time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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