I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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