My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
