i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
