I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
