Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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