What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
