last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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