Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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