Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
