Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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