my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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