What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
