i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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