It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
