smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
