Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
