Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
