just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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