p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
