You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
