im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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